Monday, May 30, 2011

"The walk to the kitchen" by Twitter

Disclaimer: this is a complete pisstake and should be read as nonsense, jokery and tomfoolery

@simonwillo: Our house is so small you can lean down the passage from the lounge and touch the kitchen. It's like we live in a Lilliputian doll house. [see? I even take the piss out of me in this.]

@6000: RT @simonwillo: Our house would be great if Tony Leon lived in it and joined The Cape Party <-- edited that for you.

@liliradloff: Fuck this house is so fucking small. Where the fuck is the kitchen?

@khayadlanga: Lord Kitchener knows where the kitchen is. Morning ladies. #ChicksDigKhaya

@USEmbPretoria: We like this. And there is kitchen violence taking place in Burundi (AFP)--> RT @simonwillo [...] Lilliputian doll house.

@Sentletse: I'll bet you Mbeki had a real African kitchen. And cooked better.

@mgigaba: Bet you he didn't. RT @Sentletse: I'll bet you Mbeki had a real African kitchen. And cooked better.

@MvelaseP: Jocelyn from #AI is so thin. I wonder if she has a kitchen.

@victordlamini: One cannot separate a kitchen and a lounge without a passage.

@JoziGoddess: The distance from the lounge to the kitchen is a middle-class concern. #badblack

@DailyMaverick The house is too small: BY SIMON WILLIAMSON (@simonwillo)

@kevinmccallum: That house needs a PK.

@Hetairos_: If you want a bigger house then vote Tory.

@IvoVegter: Why have a kitchen? If you ordered takeaways you would facilitate business growth. #140charactesisnotenough

@joburgadvocacy: What you want is a *direct* path from the kitchen to the lounge.

@SAPresidency: We're building South Africa strong, starting in @simonwillo's kitchen.

@The_New_Age RT @SAPresidency: We're building South Africa strong, starting in @simonwillo's kitchen.

@mishsolomon: If you will not disclose your plans, @hartleyr, how am I supposed to see how small your house it?

@2oceansvibe: The lounge (decorated by IKEA) leads to the kitchen (stocked by DEFY) through the passage (tiled by CTM).

@TimesLive: Bono says @simonwillo's kitchen is too small.

Can you think of any more?


Juanita said...


Mvelase Peppetta said...

Hahaha! This is brilliant.

No comments about cunting kitchens from @liliradloff or @samwilson1, or kitchen sex from @dorothyblack?

Richard said...

How about:
@bronwynnortjie: I'm drunk, in the kitchen.

6000 said...

"@bangersandnash: I can reach a beer from my sofa at my new place in Heart Bay. #alcohol #winning"

"@JacquesR: Now Errol Naidoo wants us to "boycott small houses with satanic kitchens"."

"@dyled: Dear @SAPresidency, how much did your kitchen cost? Please show us the receipts."

"@LaurenBeukes: Brilliant Sloth biscuit barrel - have to get one for my kitchen."

"@Afrihost: RT this to win a house with a kitchen and 5GB bandwidth."

Simon said...

Hahahaha - see why @6000 is my inombolo kunye tweeter?

samwise said...

Absolutely fantastic!

Zama-in-Jozi said...

I laughed!

@UnathiKondile the only way I time I can enter this disrespectful apartheid kitchen, is when I'm drunk.

@comradesipho #nowplaying Jona Lewie - You'll Always Find Me In The Kitchen At Parties

6000 said...

"@pigspotter: Bacon for breakfast: in the fridge, second shelf, left hand side next to the salad cream."

None said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Elizabeth Kennedy Trudeau said...

Simon, brilliant. xo

@mspr1nt said...

@kevinpietersen these kitchens are made for SLAs, but that's no problem for me!

mspr1nt said...

And, of course, I'd say:

"Can you watch the cricket from the kitchen?"

Anonymous said...

@spillly Erotic takes a feather. Kinky is a whole kitchen.

KeenyKeenz said...

What about:

@KojoBaffoe: You feed my soul| Quenching my thirst for love | Your aromas surround my mind | my kitchen ... #poetry

@Anele: Did anyone see Beyonce's kitchen on Cribs?!

@TheJoLurie: My kitteh just peed in the kitchen! I love! So cute!

@Aneshree28 said...

@clarkeformaths: get the kids out the kitchen and into my classroom

@sameshnaidoo: Is Stephen Hawking in the kitchen? I need to show him something

@JaneAnne62: Get the hell outta MY Kitchen, and have some pie on your way out

@lebomashile The African woman is enslaved in the kitchen

Lorien said...

"@texxonfire: Ooh @simonwillo in the kitchen *lick* "

"@tracyengelb: Packed 25 teen moms into my miniature kitchen. Now what?"


"@headlinepayoff: "As a child I was never allowed in the kitchen. My parents were always walking around with bottlenecks or sharp knives."

jacki janse van rensburg said...

@spillly my kitchen has 3 l's bitches!

@melanieminnaar if you have a small kitchen, imagine how it feels to have no blankets! #TBD

@paulscott56 in the kitchen py csv is written in C, so pukes on NULL bytes. Preprocess with cat | tr -d '\0' > data.out before and profit!

@sdiedericks Gooood MWAH-neeeng all my *****FAVE***** tweeps!!!!! (@ Simon's Kitchen)

Justin said...

@morgandeane: Sex with @GraemeSmith49 is so much better in the kitchen. #stallion

@hershybru: LOL! RT @skankychics: Hey @hershybru can I get a RT. Our kitchen got painted. LOL!

@twistedross: Champagne in my kitchen. I love my life. #twistedstyl

OK, so he's not a South African, but..

@LewisHamilton: Is it because my kitchen is black?

jacki janse van rensburg said...

@morrisgrass kitchen @lynnbarbour @grompotjie @kurtwaurich @quirinarg @salomemeyer @Mariam_Kobras @jackiejvr @lammiesworld

@aDAvoter i don't know why Elizabeth takes so long to clean this kitchen. it is so tiny!

@tumimalatsi that kitchen is AHSUM!!! FIGJAM!!!

Mr Lovelace said...

The power of twitter is remarkable... and then you get people who hate twitter... sigh they have no idea what humour they are missing...

News24 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
CathrynR said...

@CathrynR I feel so unappreciated working in the biggest digital kitchen website in the country...

Sipho said...

This was arse-ticklingly hilarious!

You missed:

@StephenGrootes: #ANC says kitchens are racist and vote DA, because blacks can't afford kitchens.

@ChrisRoperZA: So Marcel Proust and Brian Eno walk into a kitchen. There's a story you'll never read on the M&G.

@hurricanevaness: Gwyneth Paltrow has a new kitchen. She installed it herself, the poor dear.

@simonwillo: This one kitchen that @magicmike1313 went to was uglier than Wayne Rooney licking poo out of a toilet.

@brodiegal: new puppy just shat in the kitchen. Kids loved it. #fuckityfuckfuck

@sboshmafu If you can't spell "kitchen", #pleasekillyourself

Side said...

Ummmmm, Isn't Simon's home currently in Hong Kong? Living space there is at a premium.

Boy Uninterrupted said...

*tears* the original post was hilarious and the responses made me let out an i'm-laughing-so-hard-i-farted farts.

@NzingaQ #deathby these people talking politics in the kitchen. so late for them

@IanOllis Watch papers. I've uncovered ministers spending hundreds of thousands of Rands hiring kitches. Jeff Doige spent R389,000 on one kitchen alone #fb

@iamsuede People ask me what I do in my kitchen. It'd probably be easier to say what I don't do in my kitchen!

@shakasisulu Today, to mark the anniversary of the event, I will be tweeting the history of the kitchen revolution #KitchenRevolution

Fynbos Ridge said...

@jackiejvr says: Happy Birthday kitchen!

@norwin says: I'm in the kitchen (@ KITCHEN)

@fynbosridge says: The weather is glorious in the kitchen

Anonymous said...

@MTNSouthAfrica: Hi Simon. Please DM me your cellphone number and I'll see if I can get your kitchen moved further away.

GugsM said...

@Julius_Malema The revolution will not be televised. The revolution is in the kitchen. No tea girls allowed.

GugsM said...

@HellenZille Hi Simon, the DA is working on building a bigger kitchen because we deliver for all.

Anonymous said...

@khayadlanga: RT @someoneelse Khaya's kitchen is so nice!!!

Kelltrill said...

Absolutely brilliant! Loving all of the comments as well.

Anonymous said...

@dorothyblack It's a good thing I did this kitchen ages ago @simonwillo #nomention #itsover

Anonymous said...

That was me by the way bitch. No good commenting on my bb. We'll talk about this whole excluding me thing when you get back. dot.
(No kisses. Did you notice? See how it hurts? See?)

kambabes blog said...

@al_ice #tieyoudowntothecounterandlickyouupthesideofyourface in the kitchen


@mishtotheD oh my word I just did my nails bright pink in the kitchen and it looks so purdy!

Simon said...


You're joking, right?

Squidsquirts said...

Loved this!
@Arne86 Kitchenoclock? Sounds like #tequilaoclock #wineoclock Posted @ 09.00

@andrevr Howzit! Check the view from kitchen, ninjaz!

@itsMsT Close to 1000! Keep the kitchen lurrrve! #teamfollowback

Apologies, friends ;-)

@Squidsquirt Sorry to hear about the kitchen, deepest respect, condolences. :-D #keepyourkitchenconfidential

Nechama said...

Okay, I'll bite:

"TrendsInYourKitchen Verashni Pillay @verashni is now trending in Your Kitchen

"@biobot: hey Simon, here is a naked mole rat for your kitchen http://tinymoleraturl

"@iJodyNel can I come in your kitchen?

Gina said...

LOVE LOVE LOVE the @pigspotter one ;)

@khayadlanga: Know your Xhosa! What is kitchen in Xhosa?

@Pauljacobson: The legal ramification of kitchens on @webtechlaw

@Gnat_J: Both kids sleeping, think I will make tea in the kitchen #FTW

Joller said...

Oh man, is one of the best things I've ever read on the Twitternet. Sharp and smart and hilarious. I think you have invented a whole new genre.

Jerm said...

@jeremynell: My cartoon about Helen Zille in Julius Malema's kitchen.

@garethcliff: fuck kitchens! BTW, I'll be in Bloem tonight.

Anonymous said...

SamWilson1 Canoodling on the kitchen counter with @AndreasSpath. Yum.

@HelenZille If you don't vote for my kitchen, you deserve another 5 years of corruption, non-delivery, & everything but the kitchen sink.

@KoosKombuis If you can't stand the heat, fokof uit die kombuis.

@SteveHofmeyr When I said I was going to sing a song about the K-word, I meant "kitchen". What did you think I meant?

@brodiegal Fuck. Just had an amazing sparring session in the kitchen. Think I'm going to write a song about it.

@LindiMazibuko No, how about YOU make the tea for a change, Julius?

Anonymous said...

@Jozikids Fun things to do these holidays with your kids in the kitchen!

Anonymous said...

@TrafficSA #Kitchen Lots of congestion due to a STATIONARY sink, use alternative route

Karen said...

@zakaren says: Still waiting for @ivovegter's comment on why kitchens cannot be said to be a) too small or b) dangerous

TheJoLurie said...

@ChrisMaroleng Don't touch me on my kitchen.

@trevorgumbi I woke up in the kitchen impaled on a carrot #tweetsfromlastnight

@comradesipho No one truly understands the societal value of the room that we call the kitchen. 'Tis a travesty. Sigh.

@charliesheen I am the Warlock of the Kitchen #winning

TheJoLurie said...

@spillly this kitchen is so small it's harder to find than my GF's G-spot

@Tweeting_Troll. Get the fuck off twitter and back in the kitchen you useless bitch.

@Tweeting_Troll Do the world a favour and gas yourself in the kitchen, you whore

Anonymous said...

@F1Sasha Let's BANG it in the kitchen

Sarah Britten said...

@Anatinus: spilled soup all over self on way from kitchen to lounge. Hope nobody notices.

Anonymous said...

@mattduplessis: Your kitchen is bigger on the inside! No, I digress, it's a bottle of Bourbon! Slainte #zombies

Tania said...

@tanyakovarsky @thejolurie Where's the HK in my kitchen?

Love love love this, thanks for a great laugh!

Anonymous said...

"@lifeissavage: I need 6 more followers to get to the kitchen. Please RT."

RichardAtUCT said...

@LifeisSavage: Daddy needs your help, let get #thingsyoudointhekitchen trending!

Nechama said...

"@afairweather Zynga will be releasing a Kitchen platform later today, expected to push up share prices
"@AmandaSevasti D afairweather I'll push up your share prices as soon as I get home!
"@afairweather: @AmandaSevasti pumpkin you do realise you just messaged everyone?
"@AmandaSevasti: @afairweather oops

Nechama said...

"@CapeTown_Girl eating macarons in my kitchen with JZ and JC. Om nom nom.

Doc-ZZZ said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mike Blackburn said...

"@jenty: This kitchen is too small for the wedding, barmy and newborn shoot I have to do before 10am"

Mike Blackburn said...

"@StephenGrootes: SG here from the kitchen. Going to see the bacon jump from the frying pan into the fire"

Tertia said...

@MariettedTH Survey results show tourists rate kitchen size as extremely important. #capetown #tourism

Anonymous said...

Fuck this proves how all up your own bums you are

Anonymous said...

@samwilson1 Son1 just told me kitchens are actually called cooking havens. Fuck I love my kids!

@lizetheunicorn the kitchen is so small, it has utensils from Mr. Price. Ewwww.

@CathrynR I hope I don't get a kitchen like this for my wedding!

@lifeissave #letsgetsmallkitchenstrending! Come on guys!

@mspr1nt: #assholedog hates the kitchen

@blindcripple hmmmm, the kitchen is small!

Anonymous said...

@brodiegal: I need to talk to the kitchen first before I can go inside it!

Nechama aka Brodiegal said...

I don't get it...

AmandaSevasti said...

@thatnicole: 2am and I'm the only one in the kitchen.

@thejolurie: What's this cocktonsil doing in my kitchen?

@annaling: #Kitchen is a bigger trending topic than #tigerblood.

@shapshak: I'm going to drink this single malt whisky straight from the bottle in the kitchen.

Anonymous said...

@MandyWiener: LOL! Pic pls! RT @wienerfan Reading #KillingKebble in the kitchen and burnt my scones!

@andyhadfield: Pondering: how does the kitchen model fit into your SM environment? Case study coming up…

@realtimekitchen: John's place. Potpourri smell. Pots overflowing. Too hot in here, gotta get out. 4/10

@clarkformaths: Making chicken pi in my kitchen for lunch <- geddit? Snerk!

@mikestopforth: Registration is open for this month's #27dinner in my kitchen. Book now, there's only space for 3 people!

Anonymous said...

@conradkoch Laughing at your neighbour's kitchen indicates your social status, culture #anthropology

@Marcel_Perform said...


Sipho said...

"Anonymous said...
Fuck this proves how all up your own bums you are"

Put your own name next to your comments next time, cocktonsil. Stand by your words.

Sipho said...

"Anonymous said...
Fuck this proves how all up your own bums you are"

Put your own name next to your comments next time, cocktonsil. Stand by your words.

Arne86 said...

@janbraai Having a wood braai in my kitchen with @dannicoll Who needs a man oven.

Anonymous said...

More 'up-your-own-bum' twitter frivolity here