Thursday, January 21, 2010
Helen Zille, Julius Malema and Patricia de Lille die in a car accident and wind up at the Pearly Door. St Peter says to them: "Guys, one at a time, why do you think you should be allowed in heaven?"
Helen goes first: "I have served my people well" she said. "I fought for their rights, I tried to improve their lot in life. I fought against what I believed was wrong and I fought for what I did believe in. My people respected me, they loved me, and I served them to the best of my ability".
St Peter thanked her for her answer and turned to Julius: "and what do you have to say young man?"
Julius replied in Pedi (which I have translated for you here): "I have served my people well. I fought for their rights, I tried to improve their lot in life. I fought against what I believed was wrong and I fought for what I did believe in. My people respected me, they loved me, and I served them to the best of my ability" St Peter didn't understand (because God only speaks English and Latin) but he nodded his head agreeably.
St Peter then turned to Patricia and asked her what she thought.
She replied: "Who in the fuck do you think you are? Now the coloured folks need permission to get into places? You think you're the Cape Town Radisson ne? You hear me? I said "Racist-sson! Are you shitting me, jong? I will go where ever the hell I want to and you Jews can't stop me"
And so Patricia walked through the Pearly Door. St Peter shouted "Excuse me Madam, that's not the Pearly Ga...", but Patricia couldn't hear because the doors had already closed, and she found she wasn't in heaven, she was actually in the Pearly Lift and it began to move down...
Patricia realised what was going on and began to panic. She didn't want to go to hell, but there were no buttons in the Pearly Lift to stop it moving downwards.
Suddenly, it stopped and the doors opened. Before her stoood Satan (who looked remarkably like Hendrik Verwoerd, but that's another story), and Satan said "Patricia, why have you come here?"
"I didn't want to come here you doos" shouted Patricia, "Your stupid assistant upstairs sent me down here by accident. Get me the hell back up there!"
At that precise moment, Patricia saw Hitler mopping up the entrance to hell, and he was being assisted by none other than our very own DF Malan. Patricia ran up and gave him the mother of all snotklaps and he fell down with a broken nose.
"Tell you what Patty", said Satan, "that was lekker to watch man. How's about I send you back to earth as a reward?". "Thanks, I'd like that" said Patricia. Satan snapped his fingers and Patricia was transported back to earth.
But Satan had dumped her on the N1 and she was hit by a taxi and died.
So she arrived at the Pearly Door again to meet up with a VERY pissed off St Peter.
Posted by Simon at 6:09 pm